MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS TONIGHT COMES TO YOU LIVE
FROM THE GRILLOMAT SNACK BAR, PAIGNTON.
HELLO TO YOU LIVE
FROM THE GRILLOMAT SNACK BAR, PAIGNTON.
AND SO, WITHOUT ANY MORE ADO
LET'S HAVE THE TITLES.
IT'S...
( Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing )
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]
( music ends with fart )
WELL, THOSE WERE THE TITLES.
AND NOW FOR THE FIRST ITEM THIS EVENING ON THE MENU...
( snickers )
THE TEAM HAS CHOSEN AS A LITTLE HORS D'OEUVRES, AN ITEM--
AND I THINK WE CAN BE SURE IT WON'T BE AN ORDINARY ITEM--
IN FACT, THE TEAM TOLD ME, JUST BEFORE THE SHOW
THAT ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN, AND PROBABLY WOULD.
SO LET'S HAVE... THE ITEM.
( bubbly theme musicplaying )
HELLO, GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO BLACKMAIL.
AND TO START TONIGHT'S PROGRAM
WE GO NORTH TO PRESTON IN LANCASHIRE
AND MRS. BETTY TEAL.
HELLO, MRS. TEAL.
NOW, THIS IS FOR &$15, AND IT'S TO STOP US
REVEALING THE NAME OF YOUR LOVER IN BOLTON.
( audience laughter )
SO MRS. TEAL, SEND US &$15 BY RETURN OF POST, PLEASE
AND YOUR HUSBAND TREVOR
AND YOUR LOVELY CHILDREN, DIANE, JANICE AND JULIET
NEED NEVER KNOW THE NAME OF YOUR LOVER IN BOLTON.
( plays chords )
AND NOW A LETTER, A HOTEL REGISTRATION BOOK
AND A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS WHICH COULD ADD UP TO DIVORCE
PREMATURE RETIREMENT AND POSSIBLE CRIMINAL PROCEEDINGS
FOR A COMPANY DIRECTOR IN BROMSGROVE.
HE'S A FREEMASON AND PROSPECTIVE TORY M.P.--
THAT'S MR. S. OF BROMSGROVE-- &$3,000, PLEASE
TO STOP US REVEALING YOUR NAME
THE NAME OF THE THREE OTHER PEOPLE INVOLVED
THE YOUTH ORGANIZATION TO WHICH THEY BELONG
AND THE SHOP WHERE YOU BOUGHT THE EQUIPMENT.
( plays chords )
WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU MORE OF THAT PHOTOGRAPH
LATER IN THE PROGRAM...
UNLESS WE HEAR FROM CHARLES OR MICHAEL.
( laughter )
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR "STOP THE FILM" SPOT.
THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE:
WE HAVE TAKEN A FILM WHICH CONTAINS COMPROMISING SCENES
AND UNPLEASANT DETAILS WHICH COULD WRECK A MAN'S CAREER.
BUT THE VICTIM MAY PHONE ME AT ANY POINT AND STOP THE FILM.
BUT REMEMBER, THE MONEY INCREASES AS THE FILM GOES ON.
SO THE LONGER YOU LEAVE IT, THE MORE YOU HAVE TO PAY.
SO NOW, WITH THE CLOCK AT &$300
THIS WEEK "STOP THE FILM" VISITED THAMES DITTON.
( light, merry musicplaying )
HE'S BEING VERY BRAVE HERE.
( laughter )
( phone rings )
HELLO, SIR.
HELLO, YES.
NO, SIR, NO, I'M SURE YOU DIDN'T.
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE DON'T MORALLY CENSURE.
WE JUST WANT THE MONEY.
YES, AND HERE'S THE ADDRESS TO SEND IT TO:
NOT AT ALL, SIR.
THANK YOU.
SORRY, CHAPS.
IT WAS MY MOTHER.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, PRAY SILENCE
FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE ROYAL SOCIETY
FOR PUTTING THINGS ON TOP OF OTHER THINGS.
I THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
THE YEAR HAS BEEN A GOOD ONE FOR THE SOCIETY.
( men agreeing )
THIS YEAR, OUR MEMBERS HAVE PUT MORE THINGS
ON TOP OF OTHER THINGS THAN EVER BEFORE.
BUT I SHOULD WARN YOU, THIS IS NO TIME FOR COMPLACENCY, NO.
THERE ARE STILL MANY THINGS--
AND I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS TOO STRONGLY--
NOT ON TOP OF OTHER THINGS.
I MYSELF, ON MY WAY HERE THIS EVENING, SAW
A THING THAT WAS NOT ON TOP OF ANOTHER THING IN ANY WAY.
Men: SHAME, SHAME!
SHAME, INDEED.
BUT WE MUST NOT ALLOW OURSELVES TO BECOME TOO DESPONDENT
FOR WE MUST NEVER FORGET THAT IF THERE WAS NOT ONE THING
THAT WAS NOT ON TOP OF ANOTHER THING
OUR SOCIETY WOULD BE NOTHING MORE
THAN A MEANINGLESS BODY OF MEN
THAT GATHERED TOGETHER FOR NO GOOD PURPOSE.
BUT WE FLOURISH.
THIS YEAR, OUR AUSTRALASIAN MEMBERS
AND THE VARIOUS ORGANIZATIONS AFFILIATED
TO OUR AUSTRALASIAN BRANCHES
PUT NO FEWER THAN 22 THINGS ON TOP OF OTHER THINGS.
( cheering )
WELL DONE, ALL OF YOU.
BUT THERE IS ONE CLOUD ON THE HORIZON.
IN THIS LAST YEAR, OUR STAFFORDSHIRE BRANCH
HAS NOT SUCCEEDED IN PUTTING ONE THING ON TOP OF ANOTHER.
Men: SHAME, SHAME!
THEREFORE, I CALL UPON OUR STAFFORDSHIRE DELEGATE
TO EXPLAIN THIS WEIRD BEHAVIOR.
UH, CUTLER, STAFFORDSHIRE.
UM... WELL, MR. CHAIRMAN
IT'S JUST THAT MOST OF THE MEMBERS IN STAFFORDSHIRE FEEL...
THE WHOLE THING'S A BIT SILLY.
ALL ( aghast ): SILLY?!
SILLY?
I SUPPOSE IT IS A BIT.
WHAT HAVE WE BEEN DOING
WASTING OUR LIVES WITH ALL THIS NONSENSE?
RIGHT, OKAY, MEETING ADJOURNED FOREVER.
ALL: HEAR, HEAR!
GOOD LORD!
I'M ON FILM.
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
IT'S FILM AGAIN.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
GENTLEMEN, I HAVE BAD NEWS.
THIS ROOM IS SURROUNDED BY FILM.
WHAT?
( laughter )
WE'RE TRAPPED.
DON'T PANIC, WE'LL GET OUT OF THIS.
HOW?
WE'LL TUNNEL OUR WAY OUT.
GOOD THINKING, SIR, I'LL GET THE HORSE.
OKAY, CAPTAIN
YOU DETAIL THREE MEN, START DIGGING
AND LOAD THEM UP WITH CUTLERY
AND THEN WE'LL HAVE A ROTA.
WE'LL HAVE TWO HOURS DIGGING, TWO HOURS VAULTING
AND THEN TWO HOURS SLEEPING, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, MEDWIN
LET'S SEE YOU GET OVER THAT HORSE.
PICK YOUR FEET UP, MEDWIN, COME ON, BOY!
ZE STUPID ENGLISH.
ZEY ARE PRISONERS AND ALL THEY DO IS THE SPORT.
ONE THING WORRIES ME, FRITZ.
JA?
WHERE'S THE TRADITIONALLY CHEEKY AND LOVABLE COCKNEY SERGEANT?
CHEER UP, FRITZ, IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN.
( men singing )
GOOD, EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE IN ORDER.
( singing continues )
COLONEL, I JUST FOUND ANOTHER EXIT, SIR.
OKAY, QUICKLY, RUN THIS WAY.
( in unison ): IF WE COULD RUN THAT WAY...
SORRY.
( infantile babbling )
( yelling ): WHOA!
( yelling )
( groaning andyelling )
( banging, men yelling in pain )
( loud belch )
( audience laughs )
OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
EXCUSE ME.
( laughter )
( toilet flushes )
AH!
UM, WELL, THEY CERTAINLY SEEM TO BE IN A TIGHT SPOT.
AND I SPOT ( snickers ) OUR NEXT ITEM.
SO LET'S GET STRAIGHT ON WITH THE FUN
AND GO OVER TO THE NEXT ITEM, OR DISH.
HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?
I'M FINE.
WELCOME TO A NEW HALF-HOUR CHAT SHOW
IN WHICH ME, VIZ THE MAN WHAT'S TALKING TO YOU NOW
AND BROOKY, TO WIT, MY FLAT MATE--
AND NOTHING ELSE, I'D LIKE TO EMPHASIZE THAT--
DISCUSS CURRENT AFFAIRS ISSUES OF BURNING IMPORT.
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE THREE NUNS IN THE NUDIST COLONY?
SHUT UP! TONIGHT, THE POPULATION EXPLOSION.
APPARENTLY THERE WERE THESE THREE NUNS.
SHUT UP! COME THE YEAR 1991
GIVEN THE PRESENT RATE OF INCREASE
IN THE WORLD'S POPULATION
THE CHINESE WILL BE THREE-DEEP.
ANOTHER THING...
SORRY, LOVE, SORRY.
THE SHOW'S TOO LONG THIS WEEK.
THIS SCENE'S BEEN CUT.
LORD HILL'S AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
BUT IF YOU COULD FIND A PIANO STOOL
YOU CAN APPEAR LATER ON IN THE SHOW, IN FILM.
HOW MUCH?
OH, ABOUT TEN BOB EACH.
I WOULDN'T WIPE ME NOSE ON IT.
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THESE THREE NUNS?
( sharply ): SHH!
I CAN HEAR SOMETHING.
HANG ABOUT.
WE MAY STILL GET IN THIS SHOW AS A LINK.
( men yelling in distance )
THAT'S CLEVER.
HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
COLOR SEPARATION, YOU COTTON HEAD.
( yelling )
( belches loudly )
( hollow clanging )
( men arguing )
NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
YEAH, GOT IT.
( motorized whirring )
OH, WHAT'S THIS?
( military drumbeat )
( whirring continues )
ZO, BRITISHER PIG, VE MEET AGAIN.
WHAT?
( clanging )
( glass shattering, men groaning )
Man: THAT BITCH!
HE SPILLED AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF CHATEAU LATOUR.
( laughter )
EVERYTHING IS A DISASTER.
( thunder rumbles )
Deep, booming voice: SHUT UP, THE LOT OF YOU!
( wind whistling )
Man: OVER HERE, SIR WILLIAM.
Man 2: SIR WILLIAM, OVER HERE.
Deep, booming voice: NOW, STAY THERE!
( thunder rumbles )
Man: WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?
Man 2: HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS?
Man 3: WELL, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
Men ( in falsetto ): DON'T JUMP! DON'T JUMP!
( in normal voices ): WHAT? WHAT?
PLEASE, DON'T JUMP, THINK OF THE LITTLE ONES!
WELL, WE'RE GOING TO JUMP.
NO, DON'T JUMP!
( allyelling at once )
WHAT?
( siren approaches )
DON'T JUMP!
( screaming )
Man: MY GOD, HE'S COMING BACK!
( machine gun firing )
WELL, THEY SEEM TO BE IN ANOTHER TIGHT SPOT.
( people arguing in background )
COULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN A LITTLE, PLEASE?
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YOU COULD KEEP IT DOWN... DOWN, PLEASE?
THANK YOU.
WELL, AND NOW WE MOVE ON TO OUR MAIN COURSE, PRAWN SALAD.
PRAWN SALAD?!
WELL, IF YOU'LL JUST WAIT IN HERE, SIR
I'M SURE MR. THOMPSON WON'T KEEP YOU WAITING LONG.
FINE, THANKS VERY MUCH.
( glass shatters )
THE, UH, MIRROR FELL OFF THE WALL.
SIR?
THE MIRROR FELL OFF, OFF THE WALL IT FELL.
I SEE.
YOU'D BETTER WAIT HERE.
I'LL GET A CLOTH.
( laughter )
( crash )
UH, IT CAME OFF THE WALL.
YES, SIR?
IT JUST CAME RIGHT OFF THE WALL.
REALLY, SIR?
YES, I... I DIDN'T TOUCH IT.
OF COURSE NOT, IT JUST FELL OFF THE WALL.
YES, IT JUST FELL OFF THE WALL.
DON'T MOVE.
I'LL GET HELP.
YES... UH, FELL OFF THE WALL.
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT A MESS!
HERE, DID YOU THIS?
UH, NO, NO, NO, I DIDN'T DO ALL THIS.
UH, IT... IT DID IT ALL.
OH... WELL, HERE, HOLD THIS.
I'LL GET STARTED.
OH, THIS IS JOLLY NICE.
WHAT IS IT?
HMM? OH, IT'S A BRAZILIAN DAGGER.
WHOOP!
OOH!
( squealing in pain )
( audience laughs )
OH, UH, UH... SHE JUST, UH, FELL, UH, ON TO THE DAGGER.
YES, OF COURSE SHE DID, SIR.
YEAH, SHE JUST, UH, GAVE ME THE DAGGER
AND TRIPPED AND WENT, "OOPS."
OH, YES, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I DIDN'T, UH...
OH, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT, SIR, I UNDERSTAND.
I MEAN, SHE... SHE JUST, UH...
YEAH, FELL.
FELL!
( screaming )
( crash )
TERRIBLY SORRY.
THAT'S HIM!
RIGHT, SIR.
OH, HELLO, OFFICER.
UM, THERE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN AN ACCIDENT.
WELL, UH... SEVERAL ACCIDENTS, ACTUALLY.
THAT'S RIGHT, SIR, WOULD YOU COME THIS WAY PLEASE?
( gasping in pain )
IT'S ME... ME HEART, SIR.
( chokes )
ButLer: YOU SWINE, I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT.
( crashing )
UH... I WON'T WAIT.
I'LL PHONE.
( crashing )
( glass shattering )
( foundation rumbling )
( laughter )
SORRY!
( men grumbling )
WELL, I THINK WE'RE REALLY OUT THIS TIME.
YEAH? ALL RIGHT, JOLLY GOOD.
UH, NOW, WHERE'S THE SCHOOL HALL?
I THINK IT'S OVER THERE.
COME ON.
RIGHT.
SORRY.
JOLLY GOOD.
( in falsetto ): OH, MR. BELPIT
YOUR LEGS ARE SO SWOLLEN.
EXCUSE ME, IS... IS THAT THE SCHOOL HALL?
UM, I'M SORRY, I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT IN THIS ONE.
I'M IN NEXT WEEK'S, I THINK.
OH, COME ON.
( whining ): "AH! MR. BELPIT!"
AH, HERE WE ARE.
AH, WELL, THEY SEEM TO HAVE LINKED THAT THEMSELVES
SO THERE'S NO NEED FOR ME TO INTERRUPT AT ALL.
( snickers )
SO, UH, BACK TO THE SCHOOL HALL.
( playing ragtime tune )
( playing degenerates )
( playing halts )
( playing continues )
( playing stops )
( plays dramatic chords )
SchooLmaster: SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS.
( light applause )
'TIS TIME THE SEVEN SMITH BROTHERS HAD BRIDES.
FETCH ME SMITH MAJOR.
SIR?
'TIS TIME YOU AND YOUR SIX BROTHERS WERE MARRIED.
THANK YOU, HEADMASTER.
FETCH ME YOUR SIX BROTHERS
THAT THE SEVEN BROTHERS MAY BE TOGETHER.
( bell ringing )
Boys: BEHOLD THE SEVEN BROTHERS.
RIGHT, I'LL SEE WATSON, WILKINS AND SPRATT
IN MY STUDY AFTERWARDS.
( quietly ): "BUT..."
BUT WHERE SHALL WE FIND
SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS?
THE SABINE SCHOOL FOR GIRLS.
YES, AND IT'S THE ANNUAL DANCE.
FETCH HITHER THE SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS.
Both: BEHOLD THE SEVEN BRIDES.
FETCH HITHER THE PADRE
THAT THE SEVEN BRIDES
MAY MARRY THE SEVEN BROTHERS.
FETCH HITHER THE MASTER ON DUTY
THAT THE SEVEN BRIDES
MAY MARRY THE SEVEN BROTHERS.
SORRY I'M LATE, HEADMASTER
I'VE BEEN WRESTLING WITH PLATO.
WHAT YOU DO IN YOUR OWN TIME, PADRE
IS WRITTEN ON THE WALL IN THE VESTRY.
Padre: RIGHT.
DO YOU FOUR BOYS TAKE THESE TWO GIRLS
TO BE YOUR SEVEN BRIDES?
Boys: YES, SIR.
RIGHT, GO AND DO YOUR PREP.
( scattered applause )
( plays chords )
( plays simple, cheery tune )
I SAY, TEDDY.
YOU SAID SOMETHING, NEDDY?
THAT'S RIGHT, I DID, TEDDY.
WELL, WHAT IS IT, NEDDY?
PIGGY BANKS, TEDDY.
PIGGY BANKS, NEDDY?
YES. I WANT TO HUNT PIGGY BANKS, TEDDY.
YOU WANT TO HUNT PIGGY BANKS, NEDDY?
THAT'S RIGHT, TEDDY.
( wind whistling )
( changejingling )
( banging )
Neddy: I GOT HIM, TEDDY.
Teddy: TIME TO BRING HOME THE BACON, NEDDY.
THAT'S NOT BACON.
THAT'S SIRLOIN, TEDDY.
CAN'T BE SIRLOIN.
NOT FROM A PIGGY, NEDDY.
BUT THAT'S SIRLOIN, TEDDY.
NO, IT ISN'T, NEDDY.
IS, TEDDY.
ISN'T, NEDDY.
IS, TEDDY.
ISN'T, NEDDY.
IS, TEDDY.
HMM, LOOKS LIKE
I'VE BEEN PLAYING THE FOOL, NEDDY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, TEDDY.
THANKS AWFULLY, NEDDY.
OH, THANKS A LOT, NEDDY.
NO, NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL.
JOLLY CIVIL.
NO, IT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
GOOD MORNING.
I'D CARE TO PURCHASE A CHICKEN, PLEASE.
DON'T COME HERE WITH THAT POSH TALK
YOU NASTY, STUCK-UP TWIT.
( audience laughs )
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
A CHICKEN, SIR, CERTAINLY, HERE WE ARE.
THANK YOU, AND HOW MUCH DOES THAT WORK OUT TO
PER POUND, MY GOOD FELLOW?
PER POUND, YOU SLIMY TROLLOPE!
WHAT KIND OF A PONCE ARE YOU?
( laughter )
I'M SORRY?
FOUR AND SIX A POUND, SIR.
NICE AND READY FOR ROASTING.
I SEE, AND I'D CARE TO PURCHASE
SOME STUFFING, IN ADDITION, PLEASE.
USE YOUR OWN, YOU GREAT POOVY PO-NAGGER.
WHAT?
OH, CERTAINLY, SIR, SOME STUFFING.
OH, THANK YOU.
OH, "THANK YOU"
SAYS THE GREAT QUEEN LIKE A LA-DI-DAH POOFTER.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR, CALL AGAIN.
EXCUSE ME...
WHAT IS IT NOW, YOU GREAT PILLOCK?
WELL, I CAN'T HELP NOTICING THAT YOU INSULT ME
AND THEN YOU'RE POLITE TO ME ALTERNATELY.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO HEAR THAT, SIR.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
TOUGH TITTY IF IT DID, YOU NASTY SPOTTED PRANCER.
AH!
UH... SORRY, I ASKED FOR TEA.
COULD YOU...?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL, UH, WE'VE HAD THE DESSERT AND THEN...
AND SO THE FIRST ITEM...
THE LAST ITEM ON OUR MENU OF FUN IS THE COFFEE.
NOW I DID ASK FOR TEA.
BUT YOU JUST SAID COFFEE.
NO, NO, THAT WAS JUST MY ANNOUNCEMENT.
IT'S JUST A METAPHOR.
FIRST HE SAID HE WANTS TEA, THEN HE SAYS COFFEE.
WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING IT DOWN, PLEASE?
WE COME, AS... AS I SAID JUST NOW, TO THE COFFEE.
THERE, HE SAID IT AGAIN!
SHUT UP!
Announcer: THIS IS KEN CLEAN-AIR SYSTEM
THE GREAT WHITE HOPE OF THE BRITISH BOXING WORLD.
AFTER THREE FIGHTS AND ONLY TWO CONVICTIONS
HIS MANAGER BELIEVES THAT KEN IS NOW READY TO FACE
THE GIANT AMERICAN, SATELLITE FIVE.
THE GREAT THING ABOUT KENNY IS HE'S...
HE'S ALMOST TOTALLY STUPID.
( laughter )
Announcer: EVERY MORNING HE JOGS THE 47 MILES
FROM HIS TWO-BEDROOM, EIGHT- BATHROOM, SIX-UP, TWO-DOWN, THREE-TO-GO HOUSE IN REIGATE
TO THE GOVERNMENT'S PESTICIDE RESEARCH CENTER AT SHOREHAM.
NOBODY KNOWS WHY.
BASICALLY, KEN IS A VERY GENTLE, HOME-LOVING PERSON.
I REMEMBER WHEN ONE OF HIS STICK INSECTS HAD A KNEE INFECTION.
HE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT RUBBING IT WITH GERMOLINE
AND BANGING ITS HEAD ON THE TABLE.
( laughter )
OH, HE WAS SUCH A PRETTY BABY, ALWAYS SO KIND AND GENTLE
AND REALLY CONSIDERATE TO HIS MOTHER
AND NOT AT ALL THE KIND OF PERSON
YOU'D EXPECT TO PULVERIZE THEIR OPPONENT
INTO A BLOODY MASS OF FLESH AND RAW BONE
SPITTING TEETH AND FRAGMENTS OF GUM
INTO A RING WHICH HAD BECOME ONE MAN'S HELL AND KEN'S GLORY.
( laughter )
Announcer: EVERY MORNING, IN HIS LITTLE THREE-ROOM SEMI, NEAR READING
KEN GETS UP AT 3:00...
AND GOES BACK TO BED AGAIN BECAUSE IT'S FAR TOO EARLY.
AT 7:00, KEN GETS UP, HE HAS A QUICK SHOWER, A RUBDOWN
GETS INTO HIS TRACK SUIT, AND GOES BACK TO BED AGAIN.
AT 7:50 EVERY MORNING, KEN'S TRAINER RUNS THE 13,000 MILES
FROM HIS TWO-ROOM LEAN-TO IN BANGKOK, AND GETS HIM UP.
I USED TO WAKE KEN UP WITH A CROWBAR ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
BUT I RECENTLY FOUND THAT THIS WAS TOO FAR FROM HIS BRAIN
AND IT WASN'T GETTING THROUGH TO HIM ANYMORE.
SO I NOW WAKE HIM UP
WITH A STEEL PEG DRIVEN INTO HIS SKULL WITH A MALLET.
( mallet pings )
Announcer: FOR BREAKFAST EVERY DAY
KEN PLACES A PLATE OF LIVER AND BACON UNDER HIS CHAIR
AND LOCKS HIMSELF IN THE CUPBOARD.
WELL, HE'S HAVING A LOT OF MENTAL DIFFICULTIES
WITH HIS BREAKFASTS, UH, BUT THIS IS TEMPERAMENT
CAUSED BY A SMALL PARTICLE OF BRAIN IN HIS SKULL
AND ONCE WE'VE REMOVED THAT, HE'LL BE PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
Announcer: AT 8:30, THE REAL TRAINING BEGINS.
KEN GOES BACK TO BED AND HIS TRAINER GETS HIM UP.
( laughter )
AT 10:30 EVERY MORNING
KEN ARRIVES AT WHAT HE THINKS IS THE GYM.
SOMETIMES IT'S A SWEET SHOP, SOMETIMES IT'S A PRIVATE HOUSE.
TODAY IT'S A HOSPITAL.
UH, CAN YOU TELL ME
WHERE THE TRAINING ROOM IS?
UM, YEAH, STRAIGHT DOWN THERE.
WHAT?
STRAIGHT DOWN THERE.
DOWN THERE, DOWN THERE, DOWN THERE.
WHERE?
STRAIGHT DOWN THERE.
DOWN THERE.
Announcer: FOR LUNCH, KEN CROUCHES DOWN BESIDE THE ROAD
AND RUBS GRAVEL INTO HIS HAIR.
( laughter )
BUT LUNCH DOESN'T TAKE LONG.
KEN'S SOON UP ON HIS FEET AND BACK TO BED.
AND HIS TRAINER HAS TO RUN THE 49,000 MILES
FROM HIS TWO-BEDROOM, SIX LIVING ROOM TREE HOUSE IN KYOTO
TO WAKE HIM UP.
HELLO.
UH, WHEN KEN IS IN A REALLY DEEP SLEEP, LIKE THIS ONE
THE ONLY WAY TO WAKE HIM UP IS TO SAW HIS HEAD OFF.
( saw grinding )
Announcer: WHAT IS HE LIKE IN THE RING--
THIS HUMAN DYNAMO, THIS 18-STONE BANTAMWEIGHT BATTERING RAM?
WE ASKED HIS SPARRING PARTNER
AND ONETIME CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART, MAUREEN SPENCER.
WELL, UH, I THINK THAT IF KEN KEEPS HIS RIGHT UP
GETS HIM WITH A LEFT JAB, AND TAKES THE FIGHT TO HIS MAN
WELL, UH, HE SHOULD GO FOR A CUT EYE IN THE THIRD
AND PUT WILCOX ON THE CANVAS BY SIX.
Announcer: KEN'S OPPONENT IN TUESDAY'S FIGHT IS PETULA WILCOX
THE BIRMINGHAM GIRL WHO WAS A SHORTHAND TYPIST
BEFORE TURNING PRO IN 1968.
SHE'S KEEN ON KNITTING AND LIKES CLIFF RICHARD RECORDS.
HOW DOES SHE RATE HER CHANCES AGAINST KEN?
WELL, I'M A SOUTHPAW, AND I THINK THIS WILL CONFUSE HIM
PARTICULARLY WITH HIS BRAIN PROBLEM.
MY LORDS, LADIES AND GEDDERBONG
ON MY RIGHT, FROM THE TOWN OF REIGATE, IN THE COUNTY OF KENT
THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF OUR...( words garbled )
THE ( words garbled )...
MR. KEN CLEAN-AIR SYSTEM!
( spectators cheering )
AND ON MY LEFT, MISS PETULA WILCOX.
( spectators booing )
( bell rings )
( audience laughter )
Man: I THINK BOXING IS A SPLENDID SPORT.
TEACHES YOU SELF-DEFENSE.
Man 2: OBVIOUSLY, BOXING MUST HAVE ITS LIMITS
BUT PROVIDING THEY'RE BOTH PERFECTLY FIT
I CAN SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH ONE HEALTHY MAN
BEATING THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF A LITTLE SCHOOLGIRL.
IT'S QUICK AND IT'S FUN.
RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD...
OH, NOW HE'S GONE, BUT HE LEFT A MESSAGE.
JACK, WHERE'S THAT NOTE THAT FELLOW LEFT?
OH.
HERE YOU ARE.
IT SAYS, "SORRY, HAD TO CATCH THE LAST BUS.
AM ON THE 49-B TO BABBACOMBE."
OH, UH, THERE YOU ARE.
HELLO.
UM, YOU GOT THE NOTE. JOLLY GOOD.
WELL, UM... THAT'S ALL THE ITEMS THAT WE HAVE FOR YOU THIS WEEK
AND, UH, WHAT A JOLLY NICE LOT OF ITEMS, TOO, EH?
UM... WELL, THE SAME TEAM WILL BE BACK WITH YOU AGAIN NEXT WEEK
WITH ANOTHER MENU FULL OF ITEMS.
UM, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHALL BE INTRODUCING THE SHOW NEXT WEEK
AS I UNDERSTAND THAT MY BITS IN THIS SHOW
HAVE NOT BEEN RECEIVED QUITE AS WELL AS THEY MIGHT.
BUT, UH, NEVER MIND, THE DAMAGE IS DONE.
NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK.
I'VE HAD MY CHANCE, AND I'VE MUFFED IT.
ANYWAY, THERE WE ARE.
I'M NOT REALLY AWFULLY GOOD WITH WORDS.
YOU SEE, I'M MORE OF A VISUAL PERFORMER.
I HAVE A VERY FUNNY-- THOUGH I SAY SO MYSELF--
A VERY FUNNY FUNNY WALK.
I WISH I'D BEEN IN THAT SHOW.
I'D HAVE DONE RATHER WELL.
BUT ANYWAY, THERE WE ARE.
THE SHOW'S OVER AND WE'LL ALL...
UH, THEY'LL BE BACK WITH YOU AGAIN NEXT WEEK.
SORRY.
I DO BEG YOUR PARDON, I DON'T LIKE THESE...
DISPLAYS OF EMOTION.
I WISH IT WOULD SAY "THE END."
( applause )
[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS
Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH EducationaL Foundation]